It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
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I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Meme Monday.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.