What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
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Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.