If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.