There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
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If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
lol
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Hell yeah 👍
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.