Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
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If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
ok like just. call me at this point
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Who says great literature is dead?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.