how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
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Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Well well well…
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.