BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
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the way this pissed me off… 😭
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
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If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”