Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
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My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.