[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
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lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
A little too much information.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Happy Thanksgiving
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.