Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
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Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”