There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
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Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
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‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*