You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
You Might Also Like
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.