Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
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Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.