Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
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I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
[at funeral] You really had to see him live