My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
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When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.