Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
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I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
bought wrong eggs
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
☠️☠️☠️
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.