If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
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coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”