me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
You Might Also Like
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.