i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
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My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.