When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
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My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am