I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
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“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
this is the greatest thing ever
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.