I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
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I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.