[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
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What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”