Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
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my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.