I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
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WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
this is literally a CIA plant
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!