The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
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[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?