What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
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A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.