Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
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This makes total sense…
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.