Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
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My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
#oldknees
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.