I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
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I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?