Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
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Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
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a
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[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?