Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
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OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.