“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
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The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
#MeanwhileInCanada
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Thank you corporation very cool
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
“Huge”.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow