[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
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Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
5 ways to appear taller
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
☺️
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.