My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
You Might Also Like
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.