One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
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Weighing up my bread heating options
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.