When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
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Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur