I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
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The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
can’t bark with your mouth full
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass