[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
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me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
The asteroid..
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
only 11 steps left
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
my mom making me talk to relatives
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.