152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
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You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.