I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
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My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is