If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
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I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.