You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
You Might Also Like
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Writing, She Murdered.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well