Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
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Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.