Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
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In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
My teenage children choosing violence
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?