I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
yeah not falling for this one
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”