[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
You Might Also Like
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…