This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
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what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me