How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
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me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Stop it! 😂
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!