cause of death:
autopsy.
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High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.